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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores