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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.