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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.