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Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.