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I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.