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Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.