Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.