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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
Oh and BTW,,, Why haven`t Pig Pen`s parents been visited by child services yet?
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.