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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.