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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...