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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.