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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.