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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.