Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.