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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.