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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.