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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!