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My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?