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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?