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It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.