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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Been there, done that. allegedly
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.