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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Life`s short ... Drink fast
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness