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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I never finish anyth...............
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.