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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.