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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!