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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.