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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.