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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over