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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.