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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Iām giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.