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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!