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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!