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Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"