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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
really vry funny
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.