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One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
All milk is breast milk.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...