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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
This patience thing takes forever.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.