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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Iām still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.