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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone