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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.