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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....