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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
My body needs a refresh button.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?