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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.