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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime