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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.