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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.