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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work