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FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?