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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.