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ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.