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Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.