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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?