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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.