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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.