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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?