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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time